you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
