Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I cockslap morals
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
