I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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