i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
