I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
