My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You brought string cheese to the strip club
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
