Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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