i think i have two assholes
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize