Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
