No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
