**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
