Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
