i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
