how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
