Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
