so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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