She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize