The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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