I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
