I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
3pm strippers are depressing
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
