Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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