I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize