He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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