you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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