I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
