im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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