I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
