Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
