...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
