I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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