btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
