i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
