its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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