I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
