nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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