Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
