I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
