Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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