True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
