i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
