Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
