shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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