Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
