I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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