mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
