Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
