She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
