I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Im part way to drunk.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
