This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
