i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize