are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
