Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
