I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
