I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
