just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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