I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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