i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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