My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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